What to do now? I started this
year feeling optimistic that things were on the up and going to change for the better.
Don’t get me wrong I love my husband dearly and I am always proud of him no
matter what, but this year yet again things aren’t good for us. At the
beginning of the year Glen got a new job, it was promising, an opportunity for
growth, with better money eventually and with it being less than 10 minutes
down the road the location was brilliant. It meant using less fuel and less
wear and tear on the car (which obviously is also money in our pocket) added to
the fact I also quit smoking and because of the medication I take I can’t drink
alcohol, so all the super expensive things we used to use and indulge in were
almost non-existent, we had booked a two week holiday in the South of Spain and
were looking forward to that, I couldn’t wait to be lounging on the beach with
a good book, Spanish food and a few drinks in the evening, maybe a little sight-seeing
between days at the beach. Our last
holiday was four days in New York back in 2010. (We got on the bus from
Washington D.C and got a cheap hotel, it was a bargain break). We had to cancel
the holiday, which of course incurred a cancellation fee, less money in our
pocket.
In April Glen went to work on
the Thursday, he would work Sunday-Thursday which would throw me out on my days
but in the grand scheme of things particularly when he went from days to
nights, it meant we had a few extra hours with each other where we weren’t
sleeping, on the one side of things we were elated, the money wasn’t brilliant
by the time we had been taxed and the money went in the bank he was working for
less than minimum wage, but it was a job and it had potential to go further, we
weren’t anxiety free though there is always that three month probation period
and as that dead line approached our anxiety just increased, it’s hard to
explain we are both hard working people, my husband is a proud man and it’s
important to him as a man to be working and supporting us. We aren’t greedy we
want to be able to pay our bills and have a roof over our head the remainder is
just icing. So when we got the call on the Friday to say “Thanks for all your
hard work, but one of our permanent members of staff is out of work and we are
giving him your job.” It came as a huge shock, particularly as he had passed
the probation period and we thought we were home free, nobody had even inferred
that he wouldn’t be back on the Sunday night. That was it, both of us aren’t
working, I can’t work because I am constantly high on tramadol, which I have to
take all the time for knee pain. It’s frightening when you have normal bills to
pay and you’ve no money to pay for them. It’s funny because whilst we are open
people, we are also very private so when we try to insinuate that we are skint and
have no money people think we are joking, or that we are skint but only in the
we can’t buy that Xboxone we want, sort of way. No we are really broke, hair
pulling, tears and stress, how do we pay the rent let alone put food on the
table type broke. On the upside I do have a car which I can sell, which means I
will be able to pay off the finance and then hopefully have enough left over to
last for another month, is this a way to live? Of course not…. Are we depressed
and miserable? Absolutely there are days when neither of us want to get out of
bed. But we do, well he does, I live on the couch (another long story, which
started out because Glen was working nights and I was struggling with the
stairs alone, I had fallen down them a few times). He is on the internet every
day and applies for jobs, I don’t know how I can make him feel better, which
makes me feel as though I am failing as his wife. He feels as though he is
failing as a husband……
I just pray that we can live on
love alone because right now that’s all we have. We have a lot of that, I met
my soul mate that first day in November 2006 and that hasn’t changed I couldn’t
imagine life without him. Our time together so far has been fraught with
problems, one after the other almost, but we are still here, we still smile and
laugh, although jokes and fun are admittedly half arsed attempts at humour, the
rough times are taking their toll. Are we anti-social? I think so, we don’t
venture out very far, contact with the outside world is kept to a bare minimum,
Doctors appointments and the shops when needed. We aren’t like this because we
want to be, we are like this because we are ashamed and embarrassed, until now
we have always had money, not a lot, but there has always been a few pounds
left in the bank every month, and like most people I think we had better months
than others, but since Glen got out of the Army bad luck and misery has
befallen us. Most of our friends are working and own their own homes, regularly
go out with friends for a night out and things, we aren’t in that position, we
don’t have that luxury, we avoid unnecessary trips in the car to save fuel, and
we can’t afford to go out with our friends on evenings out, so we stay indoors,
hiding our shame from everyone. We were doing quite a good job of it too I
think, until now. We wallow together, who we are behind closed doors is not who
we are in public…… Well I say that but Glen still picks on me mercilessly all
day everyday (all in good fun of course) and I occasionally get my own back, it’s
normally a good one, but not always I am not very spontaneous that way, so they
are few and far between.
We haven’t given up we fight tooth
and nail every day for better, better for us, better for our children… and our
fur babies since they are the only children living with us all the time. I am
now making jewellery in an effort to make some money, I have made a little but
nothing to really write home about, I am secretly really pleased that some of
it has been bought (nothing like an ego boost when the chips are down). I don’t
think I am going to make a fortune, I do have plans for my little business
assuming I can sell my items, I have called myself Bex’sBits&Bob’s that way
I am not restricting myself to any one kind of product. Just as well really
because I tend to lose concentration really easily and I keep needing to change
what I do, I think it’s one of the side effects from the medication I am on, I
struggle to concentrate on any one thing for too long and actually find it
easier to have several things going so I can swap and change things up, it
seems to help keep me focused a little better. I am an insomniac, I normally
sleep from about 0500 – 0530ish and then again from 0700 – 1100 but those 4
hours are not solid sleep, I wake up 6 or 7 times periodically throughout that
period, I use those night time hours to create my things. God willing I will be
able to sell them. I won’t be able to return to work so I have to do something
from home. That I can actually do from home. I have looked into these companies
that advertise working from home, most of it you have to get up and out and
about delivering catalogues, collecting orders and then delivering the product,
or that kind of thing, trying to find a job that I can actually do from the
comfort of my own couch is proving to be elusive. Which is why I am trying to
sell my things, taking matters into my own hands, so to speak.
I’ve no doubt that things are
going to get better, we are good people, we, Glen more than me deserves better
than this….. and we will always strive for a better life.
So at the moment my recipe posts
are having to take a back seat, meals are basic, meat and 2 veg or a salad,
Friday nights we have pizza because I have acupuncture on my knee which is
quite painful and makes me feel quite ill afterwards so something easy is nice,
besides even Glen can launch a £2.00 pizza in the oven. I am being mean he can
cook, and he does know where the kitchen is and what the appliances are used
for, well maybe not the dishwasher, I have genuinely banned him from that.
Here’s to a better tomorrow
