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Tuesday, June 24, 2014

What to do now?

What to do now? I started this year feeling optimistic that things were on the up and going to change for the better. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband dearly and I am always proud of him no matter what, but this year yet again things aren’t good for us. At the beginning of the year Glen got a new job, it was promising, an opportunity for growth, with better money eventually and with it being less than 10 minutes down the road the location was brilliant. It meant using less fuel and less wear and tear on the car (which obviously is also money in our pocket) added to the fact I also quit smoking and because of the medication I take I can’t drink alcohol, so all the super expensive things we used to use and indulge in were almost non-existent, we had booked a two week holiday in the South of Spain and were looking forward to that, I couldn’t wait to be lounging on the beach with a good book, Spanish food and a few drinks in the evening, maybe a little sight-seeing between  days at the beach. Our last holiday was four days in New York back in 2010. (We got on the bus from Washington D.C and got a cheap hotel, it was a bargain break). We had to cancel the holiday, which of course incurred a cancellation fee, less money in our pocket.

In April Glen went to work on the Thursday, he would work Sunday-Thursday which would throw me out on my days but in the grand scheme of things particularly when he went from days to nights, it meant we had a few extra hours with each other where we weren’t sleeping, on the one side of things we were elated, the money wasn’t brilliant by the time we had been taxed and the money went in the bank he was working for less than minimum wage, but it was a job and it had potential to go further, we weren’t anxiety free though there is always that three month probation period and as that dead line approached our anxiety just increased, it’s hard to explain we are both hard working people, my husband is a proud man and it’s important to him as a man to be working and supporting us. We aren’t greedy we want to be able to pay our bills and have a roof over our head the remainder is just icing. So when we got the call on the Friday to say “Thanks for all your hard work, but one of our permanent members of staff is out of work and we are giving him your job.” It came as a huge shock, particularly as he had passed the probation period and we thought we were home free, nobody had even inferred that he wouldn’t be back on the Sunday night. That was it, both of us aren’t working, I can’t work because I am constantly high on tramadol, which I have to take all the time for knee pain. It’s frightening when you have normal bills to pay and you’ve no money to pay for them. It’s funny because whilst we are open people, we are also very private so when we try to insinuate that we are skint and have no money people think we are joking, or that we are skint but only in the we can’t buy that Xboxone we want, sort of way. No we are really broke, hair pulling, tears and stress, how do we pay the rent let alone put food on the table type broke. On the upside I do have a car which I can sell, which means I will be able to pay off the finance and then hopefully have enough left over to last for another month, is this a way to live? Of course not…. Are we depressed and miserable? Absolutely there are days when neither of us want to get out of bed. But we do, well he does, I live on the couch (another long story, which started out because Glen was working nights and I was struggling with the stairs alone, I had fallen down them a few times). He is on the internet every day and applies for jobs, I don’t know how I can make him feel better, which makes me feel as though I am failing as his wife. He feels as though he is failing as a husband……

I just pray that we can live on love alone because right now that’s all we have. We have a lot of that, I met my soul mate that first day in November 2006 and that hasn’t changed I couldn’t imagine life without him. Our time together so far has been fraught with problems, one after the other almost, but we are still here, we still smile and laugh, although jokes and fun are admittedly half arsed attempts at humour, the rough times are taking their toll. Are we anti-social? I think so, we don’t venture out very far, contact with the outside world is kept to a bare minimum, Doctors appointments and the shops when needed. We aren’t like this because we want to be, we are like this because we are ashamed and embarrassed, until now we have always had money, not a lot, but there has always been a few pounds left in the bank every month, and like most people I think we had better months than others, but since Glen got out of the Army bad luck and misery has befallen us. Most of our friends are working and own their own homes, regularly go out with friends for a night out and things, we aren’t in that position, we don’t have that luxury, we avoid unnecessary trips in the car to save fuel, and we can’t afford to go out with our friends on evenings out, so we stay indoors, hiding our shame from everyone. We were doing quite a good job of it too I think, until now. We wallow together, who we are behind closed doors is not who we are in public…… Well I say that but Glen still picks on me mercilessly all day everyday (all in good fun of course) and I occasionally get my own back, it’s normally a good one, but not always I am not very spontaneous that way, so they are few and far between.

We haven’t given up we fight tooth and nail every day for better, better for us, better for our children… and our fur babies since they are the only children living with us all the time. I am now making jewellery in an effort to make some money, I have made a little but nothing to really write home about, I am secretly really pleased that some of it has been bought (nothing like an ego boost when the chips are down). I don’t think I am going to make a fortune, I do have plans for my little business assuming I can sell my items, I have called myself Bex’sBits&Bob’s that way I am not restricting myself to any one kind of product. Just as well really because I tend to lose concentration really easily and I keep needing to change what I do, I think it’s one of the side effects from the medication I am on, I struggle to concentrate on any one thing for too long and actually find it easier to have several things going so I can swap and change things up, it seems to help keep me focused a little better. I am an insomniac, I normally sleep from about 0500 – 0530ish and then again from 0700 – 1100 but those 4 hours are not solid sleep, I wake up 6 or 7 times periodically throughout that period, I use those night time hours to create my things. God willing I will be able to sell them. I won’t be able to return to work so I have to do something from home. That I can actually do from home. I have looked into these companies that advertise working from home, most of it you have to get up and out and about delivering catalogues, collecting orders and then delivering the product, or that kind of thing, trying to find a job that I can actually do from the comfort of my own couch is proving to be elusive. Which is why I am trying to sell my things, taking matters into my own hands, so to speak.

I’ve no doubt that things are going to get better, we are good people, we, Glen more than me deserves better than this….. and we will always strive for a better life.

So at the moment my recipe posts are having to take a back seat, meals are basic, meat and 2 veg or a salad, Friday nights we have pizza because I have acupuncture on my knee which is quite painful and makes me feel quite ill afterwards so something easy is nice, besides even Glen can launch a £2.00 pizza in the oven. I am being mean he can cook, and he does know where the kitchen is and what the appliances are used for, well maybe not the dishwasher, I have genuinely banned him from that.

Here’s to a better tomorrow